Women Don't Argue Effectively

First Rule – Don't Use These

If you're just itching to start a non-productive argument that will probably escalate into a no-win fight, here are three statements to get you started. Be sure to whine when you use them. 

1. You hang with your buds way too much.

This is the greatest female whine of all time. When a guy hears this, you're making him choose between you and freedom. Consider the choices yourself. Why even go there? You're trapping him. Generally speaking, therapists agree that if you're getting as much time as he gives to his guy circle, you're good. And, if you really think about it, you'll probably realize that he spends a lot more time with you than with them – even if you don't count sleeping. 

2. You act just like a typical man.

First of all, you have him in your life because he's not like all other men. You picked him because he's special. Right? Also, if he's like all other men, how can he change? You've given him no option but to be a failure because he's a man. Right off the bat he'll have no incentive to change whatever it is that's annoying you. How can he? After all, he's just a man.

3. You never keep your promises.

“Never” is the operative word here for two reasons. First of all, he'll feel that he can “never” change. There goes his changing for the better. Also, he'll “never” want to commit to anything in the future. If he is actually a promise breaker, that's a problem. But even at that, if you let him know that you're flexible, he'll be more inclined to stick to plans you've made together.

Remembering The Finer Point

The same area of your brain that lets you have all those dreamy love feelings for your man, is also the area that produces fireworks of rage. With that in mind, stick to these rules to make disputes therapeutic, not damaging.

1. Remember that arguers ears are the best tools for disputes, not their mouths.

The trap here is saying the same thing over and over to no effect, just trying to be heard. That's a no-brainer. You're talking AT each other, not having a dialog. You must give ground; the first one to listen is the better arguer.

2. Remember that getting personal is hitting below the belt.

When things get hot, unthinking arguers come up with irrelevant accusations to hurl at each other. “You're a lousy housekeeper!” or “Your tennis shoes stink!” or “You're immature!” are just used to hurt, not to solve the problem. Your goal is not to hurt each other, it's to solve a dilemma. And that's tough when you're both just saying things to belittle or insult one another.

3. Remember that there are no winners; there are only problems solved.

Who's right and who's wrong can easily become the fixation of a dispute. You'll both end up looking like a couple of toddlers on a playground engaging in a childish game of “Am, too!-Am, not!” A “good arguer” doesn't let a “good argument” get that low. A “good argument” is one wherein a resolution is met, a problem is solved. Acting like a couple of kids is a sign of folks with very poor arguing skills and, of course, lots of immaturity.

4. Remember that even during disputes humor has a necessary place.

One sign of a person who really has good arguing skills, is the ability to incorporate humor into the dispute. A bit of teasing during an argument makes for nicer feelings after things get back to normal. If an arguer can make a joke against herself or himself during the spat, that person is a wonderful human being and a good arguer. If you have funny nicknames for each other, it can help to use those as well if things start to get overheated. Steer clear of remarks joking about hygiene, sex or intelligence, as you should anyway.

5. Remember that you and this guy are a team.

This is a hard one. Somehow, you have to come up with a positive emotion for a person who is a big adversary at the moment. Sometimes, no matter how nasty the dispute has become, a simple touch on the arm or the cheek can lead to a heck of a lot of understanding and ultimately a resolution. Remember, you're having an argument because you want to be comfortable being in love with your partner. Right? Right. It can be as simple as that.

Passion Please

Many passionate couples, with strong relationships, can have some rather stormy episodes. Strong-willed people love strongly. And they can have very passionate arguments. Usually, a couple's endurance as a loving team is based on their comfort with expressing bad feelings, exploring negative areas of their relationship, without fear of losing one another.